The dazzle.

“You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and every moment of your life.” – Walt Whitman

It’s funny how inspiration can hit you out of nowhere. They are rare & beautiful, those moments where it becomes the most urgent thing in the world to create, experience, explore, alter, change. Like you might burst if you don’t let that inspiration flow from your soul to your fingertips or lips, eyes or ears. You become aware of each breath. A song entwines itself with your heartbeat and the colors of the world are all of a sudden painfully beautiful. What a pity that inspiration is always here with us, made for us and available for us, but we dance around it like a frivolity to be enjoyed only when we have the time. We rarely stop long enough to let it wash over us and let it sink into our fibers and atoms.

All that to say, I had a really great weekend. Yesterday, my friends and I piled into a car and took a road trip to the beach, Starbucks in hand and 90s hits blasting on the way, in true white girl fashion. I switched off my hyper-overthinking for a little while (ohmygoshihavenojobihavetobeanadultnowihaveloanstopayimstillsingleblahblahblah). I was able to sing my loudest, laugh deeply as the water would carry me back to shore with its waves, and let the salt air fill my lungs. It left me feeling like all I want to do for the rest of my life is travel, listen to live music, see & make pretty things, and eat good food. As charming as it appears, I haven’t decided to live the life of a vagabond. But I did remember how precious the little things are – if we take the time to let them, they can inspire us and remind us that we’re doing okay – even great. My soul needed that reminder these days. The Lord is good, His creation is good, and He’s promised good to me. The truth & evidence of that is everywhere, and for that I’m grateful.

Life isn’t clear all the time; it’s a step-by-step process with highs and lows, blunders and questions. We can let the uncertainty of tomorrow swallow and drown us or we can dip our toes into it, slowly wading into the steady river of God’s love and promises. I don’t want to miss the lovely moments by trading them in for worthless worry – those moments that make the happiest memories, the ones that give us the momentum to breathe our deepest and smile our widest. They may seem small or insignificant, but they are the important ones. They are the ones that matter.

Roll down the windows, blast the music, drink the iced coffee (if you’re into that), let the ocean waves wash over you, breathe in the sun, exhale the light of what inspires you. Habit yourself to the dazzle of every moment of your life.

So much love,

Becky G.

 

 

 

To Whom Shall We Go?

I’ve been itching to write lately. Time has flown by like it always does, and I find myself wondering where the daylight has run off to every evening. I’ve enjoyed a wonderful time with all of my family under one roof, including movie watching, sledding, and eating a lot of food. But I’ll never understand time’s ability to far outrun me, leaving me struggling to grasp for breath as I try to keep up with its quickening pace. But as mama always said, “slow and steady wins the race.” Okay, Aesop actually said that, but I’m sure my mom agrees with him.

Anyway, I set aside time tonight to write a brief trip update. I’ll just start by saying this: I don’t know when I’m leaving for London yet. We are nearing my anticipated departure date (roughly mid January) that would fulfill the 4 month internship requirement, allowing me to be back for graduation in May. There is a certain financial situation that is making the desired departure time questionable; Not out of the question completely, but questionable.

For a majority of vacation, the unknown factors of this trip, such as when I’ll be leaving, where I’ll be staying, or not knowing if I’ll ever have enough money have kept me feeling pretty intimidated by the whole thing. The whole process has felt so slow in coming. Instead of doing what planning I can, dreaming, praying, & being excited, I’ve largely allowed myself to waste my energies on worrying over things I can’t control. I knew that it wasn’t doing any good, but I didn’t know how to shake myself free from the cloud of doubt that hung over my head. Sometimes I still feel a little rain drip-dropping on my head.

But I think that I’ve come to realize that God hasn’t brought me this far for nothing. I’ve seen that God cares about the details of this process. Just when I thought fundraising was at a standstill and that not much more would be coming in, there’s been a burst of people interested in helping me get to London – some that I wouldn’t expect or think of asking help from. Not to mention, my church has recently contributed a sizable amount, which has left me speechless and humbled. Praise the Lord for His provision.

Some time last summer, I underlined these words in John 6: “After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.” This happens just after Jesus has told his followers that He is the Son of God and that it is only through Him that there is life. The disciples that turned away doubted that what He said was true. They didn’t believe that it could be possible, because they could not envision that what they had read about the Messiah in the Scriptures would be fulfilled this way. Their plans didn’t turn out like they had expected. So they just walked away and are not mentioned again. When I underlined that initially, I knew in a very real sense that I could’ve been one of them. I’m not proud to say that I catch myself doubting a lot. I lose sight of the good that God has already done for me, and I doubt what He says to be true. I doubt that He has a plan, because the one that I have envisioned isn’t being fulfilled in the way I thought. Those disciples couldn’t see that Jesus was God’s Son, because He wasn’t what they were expecting. Their own plans ruined them, because Jesus was the Son of God. He is the Son of God.

Jesus asks the remaining twelve disciples, “Do you want to go away as well?” I want to be like Peter, who, though he wasn’t perfect and sometimes made a royal mess of things, answered with, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

My Father is holding on tightly to me. He doesn’t let me walk too far before He calls down the road after me, saying, “Don’t you remember what I’ve done for you? Just look at what I’m doing now.” I have peace now that things will work out in God’s time; that He sees me and knows what is left in this process. I know that my initial, envisioned plan may not happen like I thought. But it’s when I hear the Father’s voice reminding me of His faithfulness, that I slow my walk on my path of doubt that I now see was leading to nowhere. That’s when all I can do is turn around, fall to my knees, and whisper, “Lord, to whom else shall I go?”

God is in this and He is providing. However, prayer continues to be important and needed. Please pray for the people of London. Pray for an awakening of hearts and minds to see the life that Christ gives, along with the purpose and hope that He offers. Please also pray for me, for two things- The first is that God would break my heart for the people of London; That I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed and lost in a busy city of 7 million people, but that I would see and love the souls around me. Secondly, please pray for boldness – to see each opportunity that God puts before me and to take it willingly, though it might be new and uncomfortable. Lastly, please pray that finances would line up. I know and have seen that money ain’t no thang with our powerful God. Nonetheless, it is a realistic, logistical thing that is needed before the work can begin. Thank you to all who have been praying and all who have helped support me. It wouldn’t be possible without you, and I’m so thankful for such a wonderful home team that is joining in this work with me. Good things are in store.

Cheers,

Becky G.

Please enjoy these pictures from break, starring my too-adorable-to-comprehend little nugget of a niece.

Immeasurably More

“Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.”

The words kept playing on repeat in my head. I worked to push past the questions and the what-ifs, the memories, the excitement, and the worries that were all trying to fight for my attention at that moment. “Focus, Becky. These words are important.”

That morning, at my last Pulse gathering at Kingswood, we were given the time and space to reflect on Ephesians 3:14-21.

“And for this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family on heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge  – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

Now to Him that is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” 

Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.

I admit that I have a really difficult time trusting God. For some reason, despite evidences to the contrary, I question if He really knows me. Does He really know my heart (that He created)? Does He know my passions and desires (that He instilled in me)? Does He actually want to use me in missions work (that He’s called me to)? My brain knows that He knows every part of me because He created me. But my heart relentlessly doubts. So it’s a good thing that I serve a relentless God who’s done nothing but stay true to His Word. 

As I prepare for London, I’ve noticed that Fear has been dropping by a lot more often lately. He kind of tags along with me during the day, but really likes the quiet of late nights to voice all of his opinions about me. “You’re probably going to fail,” he tells me. “You’re not good enough for this, you’re not ready for this. Don’t risk it, it’s not safe.” For as long as I’ve known Fear, you’d think I’d realize that he’s always been a pathological liar. Not once has Fear ever been accurate in his opinions.

Fear and I were pretty close in the days leading up to the start of University. He told me back then that I wouldn’t make any friends here; that I was too shy, too awkward, too simple. He thought that staying home was safer. Every part of me wanted to believe him, and his constant nagging made him hard to ignore. But just when I felt like giving in, I could hear a quiet voice telling me to keep going, that just maybe Fear was wrong this time. He was.

My 3 and a half years here have been the most transformative years of my life. To think of all of the friendships I wouldn’t have, all of the growth that wouldn’t have happened, all of the things I wouldn’t have learned, all of the memories I never would have made if I had listened to Fear makes me angry. He could’ve robbed me of some of the best years of my life. If it wasn’t for the voice of my relentless Father, calling me out of my comfort & keeping hope alive that maybe everything Fear has to say isn’t true, I wouldn’t be who I am today. He did immeasurably more than I could’ve asked for. He worked in me in ways that I had no idea needed to be worked on. I’m a different person than I was when I first started. And to think I could’ve missed that opportunity.

And now, Fear strolls back into town as if nothing happened, trying to convince me again of all of my shortcomings. He’s a pretty smooth fellow, that Fear. It’s hard to ignore his consistent pessimistic outlook. But I hear that same quiet voice again; the Father’s voice that beckons me to keep going despite what Fear says. That voice has led me to the new, the uncomfortable, & the unknown in the past. At first glance, it’s scary, and I’m tempted to accept everything that Fear says. But maybe, just maybe…that voice will be right again. Maybe God can do immeasurably more one more time. I cling to that hope and that promise. I can do no more.

I say goodbye to this season of life, grateful for the voice and strength of the Lord that got me through it all – through homework, tests, a change in majors, discovery of who I am, friendship ups & downs, and even Homiletics. My heart is heavy to have to say goodbye so soon. I have been molded & shaped in some way by each person I’ve known & each experience I’ve had. From wilderness adventures, to hockey games, chapels, chorale tours, teatimes, birthday parties, light conversations, deep conversations, and more, I’m thankful for this family. I am so excited to see the ways in which God does immeasurably more through these people I’ve come to love, but who He loves even more.

The rest of this week will be devoted to soaking in every last moment that I have here with those I love. It means reliving memories and being thankful for who we’ve become. It means letting go of what we can’t change now and embracing a new adventure with wonderment and expectancy.

Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.

With love,

Becky G.