Like the Leaves

I returned today from a great weekend away in Vermont to see the Avett Brothers. The drive was (incredibly, mind-blowingly) gorgeous with towering mountains surrounding us on all sides, green fields for miles, and sunlight beaming in a stretch of endless blue sky. I had one of my best friends, Darci, by my side which makes for easy conversation & constant laughter about things no one else would think is funny. We walked on cobblestone streets, perusing all things Vermont-y, which includes maple syrup, healthy food options, & tea samples. We stood on the edge of Lake Champlain with fellow Avett fans well into the night – dancing, singing, & occasionally screaming while they filled Burlington with feel-good energy & the kind of harmonies that only family can make.

But as I sit at home tonight, bracing myself for the impact of returning to the “real world” (welcome to Tim Hortons, this is Becky, what can I get for you today?) I’m strangely hyper-contemplative. I can’t tell if it’s tiredness from the travel or lingering Avett lyrics in my head. Admittedly, it’s weekends like this that make me thankful for where I am right now. I have a freedom to move & explore, soaking in all the goodness of friendship, new places, new experiences. But, as I’ve written about before, it’s been a hard summer for me. My brain needs a game plan, a certain measure of certainty as to what I’m going to invest my life in next. I don’t have a game plan or a bigger picture right now.

And that’s okay. I’m happy to be home with my family and friends, I truly am. I love home. But at the same time, I feel like I’m standing still, waiting for…something, some sort of certain direction. There are things about my unknown future that scare me right now. Instead of laying my cares before the Lord, I’ve been attempting to run from the reality that I’m having a hard time trusting Him right now. I bury it & distract myself. Suddenly & strangely, everything is spilling out of me at once. In the midst of allowing myself to feel the fear, I was reminded of a journal entry I wrote a couple years ago while I was at school. I felt compelled to share it, because it helps me whenever I’m overwhelmed or afraid. It’s a little bit of a transcendentalist at heart, so bear with me (ha, bear…okay bye, I’m tired). It reads:

“I focused again on the river. I thought of the steady flow that carried the leaves to an unknown destination. They landed in the water and became fully immersed, adopting the pace and timing of the river. They were so animated, seeming as though to dance, content in their new home. They seemed peaceful, free from the hectic blowing about in the wind. In the storm outside of the river, they were wild and directionless. But in the river, even though the storm was still going on around them, they were peaceful, unaffected, content. They trusted the strong river, though they did not know where it was taking them. Leaf after leaf fell in, and they joined the multitudes dancing by the shore where I sat. I want to be like that. I want to surrender to the pace and timing and direction of God’s will. I think I’m learning, but it’s not easy for me. My heart holds onto things, dreams, hopes it doesn’t want to let go of. But He is faithful to lead me and keep me safe from the storms that I could easily get lost in. He has perfect timing. I can’t see up ahead, but I want to know peace and trust like the leaves do.”

Lord, help me be like the leaves.

Becky G.