Like the Leaves

I returned today from a great weekend away in Vermont to see the Avett Brothers. The drive was (incredibly, mind-blowingly) gorgeous with towering mountains surrounding us on all sides, green fields for miles, and sunlight beaming in a stretch of endless blue sky. I had one of my best friends, Darci, by my side which makes for easy conversation & constant laughter about things no one else would think is funny. We walked on cobblestone streets, perusing all things Vermont-y, which includes maple syrup, healthy food options, & tea samples. We stood on the edge of Lake Champlain with fellow Avett fans well into the night – dancing, singing, & occasionally screaming while they filled Burlington with feel-good energy & the kind of harmonies that only family can make.

But as I sit at home tonight, bracing myself for the impact of returning to the “real world” (welcome to Tim Hortons, this is Becky, what can I get for you today?) I’m strangely hyper-contemplative. I can’t tell if it’s tiredness from the travel or lingering Avett lyrics in my head. Admittedly, it’s weekends like this that make me thankful for where I am right now. I have a freedom to move & explore, soaking in all the goodness of friendship, new places, new experiences. But, as I’ve written about before, it’s been a hard summer for me. My brain needs a game plan, a certain measure of certainty as to what I’m going to invest my life in next. I don’t have a game plan or a bigger picture right now.

And that’s okay. I’m happy to be home with my family and friends, I truly am. I love home. But at the same time, I feel like I’m standing still, waiting for…something, some sort of certain direction. There are things about my unknown future that scare me right now. Instead of laying my cares before the Lord, I’ve been attempting to run from the reality that I’m having a hard time trusting Him right now. I bury it & distract myself. Suddenly & strangely, everything is spilling out of me at once. In the midst of allowing myself to feel the fear, I was reminded of a journal entry I wrote a couple years ago while I was at school. I felt compelled to share it, because it helps me whenever I’m overwhelmed or afraid. It’s a little bit of a transcendentalist at heart, so bear with me (ha, bear…okay bye, I’m tired). It reads:

“I focused again on the river. I thought of the steady flow that carried the leaves to an unknown destination. They landed in the water and became fully immersed, adopting the pace and timing of the river. They were so animated, seeming as though to dance, content in their new home. They seemed peaceful, free from the hectic blowing about in the wind. In the storm outside of the river, they were wild and directionless. But in the river, even though the storm was still going on around them, they were peaceful, unaffected, content. They trusted the strong river, though they did not know where it was taking them. Leaf after leaf fell in, and they joined the multitudes dancing by the shore where I sat. I want to be like that. I want to surrender to the pace and timing and direction of God’s will. I think I’m learning, but it’s not easy for me. My heart holds onto things, dreams, hopes it doesn’t want to let go of. But He is faithful to lead me and keep me safe from the storms that I could easily get lost in. He has perfect timing. I can’t see up ahead, but I want to know peace and trust like the leaves do.”

Lord, help me be like the leaves.

Becky G.

The dazzle.

“You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and every moment of your life.” – Walt Whitman

It’s funny how inspiration can hit you out of nowhere. They are rare & beautiful, those moments where it becomes the most urgent thing in the world to create, experience, explore, alter, change. Like you might burst if you don’t let that inspiration flow from your soul to your fingertips or lips, eyes or ears. You become aware of each breath. A song entwines itself with your heartbeat and the colors of the world are all of a sudden painfully beautiful. What a pity that inspiration is always here with us, made for us and available for us, but we dance around it like a frivolity to be enjoyed only when we have the time. We rarely stop long enough to let it wash over us and let it sink into our fibers and atoms.

All that to say, I had a really great weekend. Yesterday, my friends and I piled into a car and took a road trip to the beach, Starbucks in hand and 90s hits blasting on the way, in true white girl fashion. I switched off my hyper-overthinking for a little while (ohmygoshihavenojobihavetobeanadultnowihaveloanstopayimstillsingleblahblahblah). I was able to sing my loudest, laugh deeply as the water would carry me back to shore with its waves, and let the salt air fill my lungs. It left me feeling like all I want to do for the rest of my life is travel, listen to live music, see & make pretty things, and eat good food. As charming as it appears, I haven’t decided to live the life of a vagabond. But I did remember how precious the little things are – if we take the time to let them, they can inspire us and remind us that we’re doing okay – even great. My soul needed that reminder these days. The Lord is good, His creation is good, and He’s promised good to me. The truth & evidence of that is everywhere, and for that I’m grateful.

Life isn’t clear all the time; it’s a step-by-step process with highs and lows, blunders and questions. We can let the uncertainty of tomorrow swallow and drown us or we can dip our toes into it, slowly wading into the steady river of God’s love and promises. I don’t want to miss the lovely moments by trading them in for worthless worry – those moments that make the happiest memories, the ones that give us the momentum to breathe our deepest and smile our widest. They may seem small or insignificant, but they are the important ones. They are the ones that matter.

Roll down the windows, blast the music, drink the iced coffee (if you’re into that), let the ocean waves wash over you, breathe in the sun, exhale the light of what inspires you. Habit yourself to the dazzle of every moment of your life.

So much love,

Becky G.

 

 

 

One of those big glass cases

“Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone.” – J.D. Salinger

This quote floats into my thoughts whenever I sense change in the wind. Certain things, they should stay the way they are. Why do things have have to change? Do I have to change? Usually its painful and scary. When I arrive at a new bend in my path, my instinct is to back up slowly, hands in the air and eyes wide with fear of a path I don’t know. I want to retrace my steps back to the familiar straight path lit with sunlight, where I know nothing is hiding in the darkness; where I walk with ease on soft, comfortable grass. A new path might be dangerous. There might be cliff edges or dangerous animals hiding behind the trees.

I always have the option to turn around and stay on the path I know. I could wander back and forth between the same trees, the same rocks, making a deeper imprint in the grass. And that could be the end of it, and I would be comfortable because I know I’m safe. But I’ve learned that I have to fight that urge to stay. I have to climb out of the glass case I put myself in. I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and follow the unfamiliar path. Because if I don’t, eventually the path I know and love will start to change whether I want it to or not. I can’t put what I love about the path in a glass case. The trees will rot and the birds will fly away if I try. The flowers will die and grass will wither. I would harm the very things I love most.

And usually, the mountains lurking in the distance that seemed so high aren’t so big and scary once we arrive at them. We emerge at the top, glad that we can finally see clearly, knowing that the hard work was worth it for this view. We find new strength we didn’t know we had, new bravery to climb higher mountains. We can’t believe that we had been so willing to miss this before.

As I walked to the edge of the path leading to London, I was looking in the distance at all the mountains I would have to climb; Scary. New. Bigger than ones I’ve climbed before. It’s too hard and there’s not enough time – lead me back to the easy path I’ve known. I don’t have the strength for this new one.

I didn’t have the strength. But the Lord was my strength every day, every minute, every heartbeat. He climbed the mountains before me and yelled to me from the top – “Don’t be afraid! You can climb this one – I’m right here to help!” So I took a deep breath, reaching, and clutched a fistful of dirt. I began to climb with little to guide me beyond the sound of His voice. I looked around me in amazement as I climbed to one summit, then the next. My Father brought me to new heights that I never imagined possible. Beautiful heights with views to take your breath away.

I miss London everyday. I miss the sights, the sounds, sometimes even the barking of the dog next door that went late into the night. I miss the history, the grand buildings, and the excitement. But most of all I miss the people. I miss outbursts of “Let It Go” from HeeJae and laughing until my stomach hurt at YuHee’s impersonations. I miss Natascha’s sense of adventure and Kathy’s sweet smile. I miss the people of the city I met and got to know. I miss watching the wonder of my mom and her friend Crystal as they came to visit me, it being their first time out of the country. I miss the strangers I sat by on the bus (well-maybe not all of them). I miss Sunday mornings in St. John’s Wood & lunchtime conversations with the older women of the church. Those people were what waited for me over those mountains and they were well worth the climb. I still don’t know the specific reason why I was in London. I don’t have to know. I am glad to leave that in God’s hands, knowing that He brought me safely through that path for a reason.

I want to keep my time in London in a glass case. I will always have memories frozen in time, and personal experiences that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. But the people that made those fond memories with me will change. I will change. We shared a path for a time. We clutched onto the same dirt as we went, felt the same wind, saw the view from the top together. Now we will each climb new mountains, but find ourselves a little more equipped with what we learned together. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? God doesn’t always lead us down a path promising all the answers along the way, but He always leads us in the right direction, crossing our paths with others we can learn from for the sake of His glory. Sometimes all it takes is a deep breath and a first step.

My London path is over. I’ve returned to my previous path changed. I can look back on the mountains I climbed in the misty distance and breathe thankful praise to the Lord for His faithfulness. I’m not sure where the next path starts right now. But when its time to take those first few steps and begin to climb, I will be just a little more ready, a little more equipped.

I’ll litter the ground with the glass of broken cases and begin the ascent again.

 

With love as always,

Becky G.

 

 

 

Write it on your heart.

What day is it? Well, allow me to tell you. It’s March 19th. March one-nine.

Why does she care that it’s March 19th? you may ask.

I don’t care that it’s March 19th. I do care that it’s almost the end of March. Almost April. Nearing almost the end of my time in London. Technically speaking, I have 6 weeks left. Keeping in mind that each week seems to go by faster than the one before & that April will be incomprehensibly busy, I’m starting to feel the bittersweet stings of this season winding down. How can a season that has just begun be nearly over already?

I’m not sad, necessarily. I miss the slow pace of home. I miss the early Maine sunshine flooding my room with light while the chickadees ‘chicka-dee dee dee’ on the telephone wire outside my window. I miss evenings of coffee & crafting. I miss talking face to face with my mom and bear hugs from my dad. I miss laughing with my friends. I miss the lit-up smiles of Audrey as she sees me and exclaims a heart-melting “Auntie!” I’m looking forward to seeing my classmates one more time before we look over our shoulders & walk in different directions.

I can’t neatly compartmentalize what I’ve learned and how I’ve felt during my stay. Some days I feel like I’m wandering through a lingering mist, unable to clearly see God’s purposes for me. I question my impact & usefulness, feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by a society that gives me a blank stare as it keeps bustling forward, gripping onto its individualistic pragmatism. How can an introvert from a small town really have an impact in a place like this?

But in my doubts, I remember the moments in my life when God has shown me the height of His strength in the depths of my weakness. I have to believe that He is able to work for good in coffee shop conversations; in telling a Bible story to a handful of toddlers & their mothers; in meeting a new unbelieving friend for a movie. I have to believe that in my discomfort of being confronted by those who believe differently than I do in the streets or in my reluctance to hand out a tract, that God is continuing to create me. I don’t claim to be good at each ministry I’ve tried. I don’t claim to even like doing all of them. I just pray that somehow, in some way, Christ is glorified even still. I’ve learned & have much more learning to do still.

In the encouraging moments and in the difficult, I will always cherish these months in this city. My heart thrills with each step I take on London’s winding streets. It’s a breathtakingly beautiful city with beautiful buildings breathing the stories of times past; of kings & queens, poverty & plagues; of ingenuity & industry, war & oppression. It continues to build upon its storybook, marking its pages with diversity, creativity, tolerance, & individualism.

Six weeks left. Six weeks of work to be done. Six weeks I want to make count in this place God has brought me to for this season. I wake up each day, knowing that I won’t always be waking up in England. I like the philosophy of my main man, RW Emerson – to “write it on your heart that everyday is the best day in the year.”

So I get on full buses & walk busy streets. I wake to the sun glimmering outside my window, hearing the neighbor children leave for school with new energy. I enjoy evenings of coffee & rest. I chat each day on facebook with my mom, dad telling me that the only thing he wants me to bring him back from London is me. I laugh with my housemates & worship with my coworkers. I meet new people from all over the world. I hear exclamations of “Auntie!” from Audrey over skype. I exchange stories with my fellow interns, seeing how God is preparing them for their futures. I find strength in the One who is greater than my failures & joy in how far He has brought me.

Time rushes forward with a strange urgency. I grab onto the rail like I do on the bus and hold on tight. Ready, steady…

Becky G.

I will learn to love the skies I’m under.

Good day from chilly & rainy London! Despite the winter winds (Darci, that was for you), I’m curled up on my bed, cozy & content with an evening to finally write. As Jane once said in Pride & Prejudice, London is so diverting! There is always something to be done and places to be. I think I’m starting to adjust, though sometimes the culture still throws me for a loop. A small town girl can feel easily overwhelmed in such a huge city. I feel like a child, constantly gazing around with wonder, drinking in the buildings, shops, smells, range of beautiful skin colors, & voices that speak so eloquently in languages I’ve never heard.

But despite an atmosphere of busyness where it would seem that no one has time for you, London keeps proving to me time and again that it has genuinely kind inhabitants. When I got lost, a kind man helped me find my correct bus. When I needed pizza dough at the grocery store, the clerk cheerily told me where it was and what kind was cheapest, then asked if I was sure I didn’t need anything else. When I’ve gone into coffee shops, I’ve had truly wonderful conversations with complete strangers who come from all over the world. Just this morning, I made plans to explore central London this Saturday with a girl who kindly offered to show me around. It’s amazing the people you meet here.

God continues to be faithful. When I feel like I’m spiraling and am scared that I’ll never get used to how things are done here, He picks me up & reminds me of how far He has brought me. I can’t ignore that kind of faithfulness. I know that I am where I’m supposed to be, and that He has brought me too far to let me fall. Sure, a lot of things are uncomfortable in my newness. But He sees me through it. And suddenly, it’s not so new and uncomfortable anymore. I have to trust that He has purpose for me being here. The theme of life continues to be “Breathe, Becky…one day at a time.”

Missions work is often not glamorous. I’m not flitting about London everyday under the shadow of Big Ben, cooly sitting in hipster cafes, or going to the theater in the evenings. I’ll admit it was easy for me to romanticize what I thought life might be like here. While it is somewhat like I imagined, it is entirely more practical. Practical, but also wonderful. I’m learning to transition from “Oh my gosh I’m in London, let’s do ALL the English things!” to recognizing that I am here for a specific purpose – to put into practice what I have been learning, and sharing Christ with others. That means doing my share on a team. That means keeping facilities clean by cleaning toilets, mopping floors, or doing laundry. That means wiping the noses of children who come to a group we run. That means sometimes being rejected when we try to share the Gospel. It’s not glamorous. But it’s significant.

And so I continue to breathe, learn, grow, see, experience. I laugh with my housemates, clumsily cook simple meals for us to share, get on & off buses, sometimes get lost, smile at strangers, drink coffee (sometimes tea), sing songs with children, fellowship, say goodnight to my Mom every night, & rest knowing that I’m in the hands of my loving heavenly Father.

I’m learning to love London in a way that I wasn’t expecting; I love meaningful conversations with strangers. I love that through everyday tasks and the seemingly ordinary, there is beauty. I love that there are constantly lessons to be learned. I love that God is able and strong when I am not. I love that He is able to accomplish more than I could ask or imagine.

Much love,

Becky G.

Up & away.

I don’t have much to say in the form of fancy or eloquent phrases. To be honest, I’m exhausted after trying to get everything in order before I leave tomorrow for New Hampshire. My parents and I will be staying the night there before I fly out from Boston on Tuesday morning. I’m exhausted & nervous & feel unprepared. But I’m EXCITED. I can’t believe that I’ve been given this opportunity to serve in London. I don’t expect it to be easy by any means, but I can’t wait to experience, see, learn, grow.

I only write to say just a few things before I leave. The first and most important, is that God is faithful. Here I am, flying out for an internship in a place I never imagined I’d get to go. Here I am, fully funded. Here I am, cared for, provided for. Here I am, on the threshold of something incredible. The Lord is good to me.

I also want to thank all of you who have joined with me in prayer and support. I am truly speechless and completely humbled by all who have helped me get here. It extends beyond me to individuals in London. Your heart & genuine desire to see the love of Christ change lives have inspired me and kept me going. Thank you.

Please be in prayer for 3 things:

1. Please pray for the individuals our team will connect with in London. Please pray that relationships would be formed and that the Holy Spirit would be at work in powerful ways to touch hearts and minds. Pray for mutual learning and understanding between us.
2. Something that I know I need to work on is boldness. Please pray for me as I seek strength and boldness from Christ to step out of my comfort zone and into new experiences.
3. Lastly, please pray that travel would be smooth. I’m a little nervous traveling on my own and will be flying into a very busy airport, so please pray that God would connect me with the right people and get me to the center safely. 

I will do my very best to keep my blog updated. I can’t wait for what lies ahead.

To Whom Shall We Go?

I’ve been itching to write lately. Time has flown by like it always does, and I find myself wondering where the daylight has run off to every evening. I’ve enjoyed a wonderful time with all of my family under one roof, including movie watching, sledding, and eating a lot of food. But I’ll never understand time’s ability to far outrun me, leaving me struggling to grasp for breath as I try to keep up with its quickening pace. But as mama always said, “slow and steady wins the race.” Okay, Aesop actually said that, but I’m sure my mom agrees with him.

Anyway, I set aside time tonight to write a brief trip update. I’ll just start by saying this: I don’t know when I’m leaving for London yet. We are nearing my anticipated departure date (roughly mid January) that would fulfill the 4 month internship requirement, allowing me to be back for graduation in May. There is a certain financial situation that is making the desired departure time questionable; Not out of the question completely, but questionable.

For a majority of vacation, the unknown factors of this trip, such as when I’ll be leaving, where I’ll be staying, or not knowing if I’ll ever have enough money have kept me feeling pretty intimidated by the whole thing. The whole process has felt so slow in coming. Instead of doing what planning I can, dreaming, praying, & being excited, I’ve largely allowed myself to waste my energies on worrying over things I can’t control. I knew that it wasn’t doing any good, but I didn’t know how to shake myself free from the cloud of doubt that hung over my head. Sometimes I still feel a little rain drip-dropping on my head.

But I think that I’ve come to realize that God hasn’t brought me this far for nothing. I’ve seen that God cares about the details of this process. Just when I thought fundraising was at a standstill and that not much more would be coming in, there’s been a burst of people interested in helping me get to London – some that I wouldn’t expect or think of asking help from. Not to mention, my church has recently contributed a sizable amount, which has left me speechless and humbled. Praise the Lord for His provision.

Some time last summer, I underlined these words in John 6: “After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.” This happens just after Jesus has told his followers that He is the Son of God and that it is only through Him that there is life. The disciples that turned away doubted that what He said was true. They didn’t believe that it could be possible, because they could not envision that what they had read about the Messiah in the Scriptures would be fulfilled this way. Their plans didn’t turn out like they had expected. So they just walked away and are not mentioned again. When I underlined that initially, I knew in a very real sense that I could’ve been one of them. I’m not proud to say that I catch myself doubting a lot. I lose sight of the good that God has already done for me, and I doubt what He says to be true. I doubt that He has a plan, because the one that I have envisioned isn’t being fulfilled in the way I thought. Those disciples couldn’t see that Jesus was God’s Son, because He wasn’t what they were expecting. Their own plans ruined them, because Jesus was the Son of God. He is the Son of God.

Jesus asks the remaining twelve disciples, “Do you want to go away as well?” I want to be like Peter, who, though he wasn’t perfect and sometimes made a royal mess of things, answered with, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

My Father is holding on tightly to me. He doesn’t let me walk too far before He calls down the road after me, saying, “Don’t you remember what I’ve done for you? Just look at what I’m doing now.” I have peace now that things will work out in God’s time; that He sees me and knows what is left in this process. I know that my initial, envisioned plan may not happen like I thought. But it’s when I hear the Father’s voice reminding me of His faithfulness, that I slow my walk on my path of doubt that I now see was leading to nowhere. That’s when all I can do is turn around, fall to my knees, and whisper, “Lord, to whom else shall I go?”

God is in this and He is providing. However, prayer continues to be important and needed. Please pray for the people of London. Pray for an awakening of hearts and minds to see the life that Christ gives, along with the purpose and hope that He offers. Please also pray for me, for two things- The first is that God would break my heart for the people of London; That I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed and lost in a busy city of 7 million people, but that I would see and love the souls around me. Secondly, please pray for boldness – to see each opportunity that God puts before me and to take it willingly, though it might be new and uncomfortable. Lastly, please pray that finances would line up. I know and have seen that money ain’t no thang with our powerful God. Nonetheless, it is a realistic, logistical thing that is needed before the work can begin. Thank you to all who have been praying and all who have helped support me. It wouldn’t be possible without you, and I’m so thankful for such a wonderful home team that is joining in this work with me. Good things are in store.

Cheers,

Becky G.

Please enjoy these pictures from break, starring my too-adorable-to-comprehend little nugget of a niece.

Immeasurably More

“Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.”

The words kept playing on repeat in my head. I worked to push past the questions and the what-ifs, the memories, the excitement, and the worries that were all trying to fight for my attention at that moment. “Focus, Becky. These words are important.”

That morning, at my last Pulse gathering at Kingswood, we were given the time and space to reflect on Ephesians 3:14-21.

“And for this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family on heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge  – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

Now to Him that is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” 

Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.

I admit that I have a really difficult time trusting God. For some reason, despite evidences to the contrary, I question if He really knows me. Does He really know my heart (that He created)? Does He know my passions and desires (that He instilled in me)? Does He actually want to use me in missions work (that He’s called me to)? My brain knows that He knows every part of me because He created me. But my heart relentlessly doubts. So it’s a good thing that I serve a relentless God who’s done nothing but stay true to His Word. 

As I prepare for London, I’ve noticed that Fear has been dropping by a lot more often lately. He kind of tags along with me during the day, but really likes the quiet of late nights to voice all of his opinions about me. “You’re probably going to fail,” he tells me. “You’re not good enough for this, you’re not ready for this. Don’t risk it, it’s not safe.” For as long as I’ve known Fear, you’d think I’d realize that he’s always been a pathological liar. Not once has Fear ever been accurate in his opinions.

Fear and I were pretty close in the days leading up to the start of University. He told me back then that I wouldn’t make any friends here; that I was too shy, too awkward, too simple. He thought that staying home was safer. Every part of me wanted to believe him, and his constant nagging made him hard to ignore. But just when I felt like giving in, I could hear a quiet voice telling me to keep going, that just maybe Fear was wrong this time. He was.

My 3 and a half years here have been the most transformative years of my life. To think of all of the friendships I wouldn’t have, all of the growth that wouldn’t have happened, all of the things I wouldn’t have learned, all of the memories I never would have made if I had listened to Fear makes me angry. He could’ve robbed me of some of the best years of my life. If it wasn’t for the voice of my relentless Father, calling me out of my comfort & keeping hope alive that maybe everything Fear has to say isn’t true, I wouldn’t be who I am today. He did immeasurably more than I could’ve asked for. He worked in me in ways that I had no idea needed to be worked on. I’m a different person than I was when I first started. And to think I could’ve missed that opportunity.

And now, Fear strolls back into town as if nothing happened, trying to convince me again of all of my shortcomings. He’s a pretty smooth fellow, that Fear. It’s hard to ignore his consistent pessimistic outlook. But I hear that same quiet voice again; the Father’s voice that beckons me to keep going despite what Fear says. That voice has led me to the new, the uncomfortable, & the unknown in the past. At first glance, it’s scary, and I’m tempted to accept everything that Fear says. But maybe, just maybe…that voice will be right again. Maybe God can do immeasurably more one more time. I cling to that hope and that promise. I can do no more.

I say goodbye to this season of life, grateful for the voice and strength of the Lord that got me through it all – through homework, tests, a change in majors, discovery of who I am, friendship ups & downs, and even Homiletics. My heart is heavy to have to say goodbye so soon. I have been molded & shaped in some way by each person I’ve known & each experience I’ve had. From wilderness adventures, to hockey games, chapels, chorale tours, teatimes, birthday parties, light conversations, deep conversations, and more, I’m thankful for this family. I am so excited to see the ways in which God does immeasurably more through these people I’ve come to love, but who He loves even more.

The rest of this week will be devoted to soaking in every last moment that I have here with those I love. It means reliving memories and being thankful for who we’ve become. It means letting go of what we can’t change now and embracing a new adventure with wonderment and expectancy.

Immeasurably more, immeasurably more, immeasurably more.

With love,

Becky G.

Day by Day.

Happiest of Sundays to you! I hope it has been a happy Sunday for you – It has been for me. I had the opportunity to enjoy a day off with a couple of friends, and adventure around St. John. We sat in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon, got to sample free tea, and moseyed around a thrift store. This evening I got to skype with my dear friend and past roommate, Amanda. My stomach hurts from laughing. All in all, a lovely day.

It was nice to have a break from an otherwise hectic semester. Life has been madness lately. Not a bad kind of madness, just a busy kind of madness. Good things are happening. Exciting things are happening. Things I never thought would happen are happening.

Have I said lately that God is so good and so faithful? Like…I’m not kidding, guys. Last week, I got the long-awaited email telling me that I got the internship in London that I applied for. It still almost doesn’t seem real to me. London was never ever ever on my radar for an internship. I’ve always wanted to go, but never thought I’d have the opportunity to fuse my love for the culture with missions. God certainly does more than we could ask or imagine. Trust me, London was never what I had imagined. But here we are.

Throughout the application process, there’s been tears, anger, impatience, fear, & doubt – all on my part. But He has remained my faithful Provider despite my whiney and childish attitude. He knows me. He has a plan. He is faithful. I’m humbled. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done before now and January; but my Father has shown me before, and I’m sure He’ll show me again, that this is in His hands. I tend to want to tackle projects all at once and get everything planned out that I possibly can. Yeah…that never usually ends super well. I’m learning that I need His grace everyday. I need His strength everyday. I need to trust Him with everyday. Day by day, step by step.

London rain, London fog drinks, actual London fog, taking steps away from comfort zones, meeting new people, hearing new stories, trying new things, being challenged & stretched, expecting the unexpected, & moving with God one day at a time. These are the daydreams cycling through my brain, winding around the looming papers, sermons, and projects that stand like giant, unshakable boulders. Day by day, step by step.

Oh boy. The last days of a final semester. Some days, I’m bright-eyed, arms raised high, ready to run into the next avenue of life that waits around the corner for me. Other days, as I find myself nearing the end of the road I’ve known for 3 and a half years, I realize that I’ve grown very fond of the others that have walked it with me. Now add on the work that still needs to be done this semester on top of that inner conflict, and you’ll find a weepy, tired, & confused Becky. But beyond those outer layers is a deeper core of readiness to just embrace what’s next. To keep moving, whatever the good or bad that may come. To keep growing. To keep going is the only way I know how to grow.

Essentially, that’s my crazy heart these days. Things aren’t really clear. I’m not sure how to decipher anything of what I’m feeling. Probably this post didn’t really make sense. It’s moments like these that I am so thankful that God is in each detail and knows what’s up. He knows that I’m weak. He knows that I’m tired. He has always been my strength and will always be. He has to be. Because I cannot finish this semester without Him. I can’t get through this week without Him. I can’t get through tomorrow without Him.

Day by day, step by step.

As the British say, pip pip cheerio! …Do they say that? I don’t really know.

Becky G.

Confessions of a Worrier.

“I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears.” – Mumford & Sons

Mumford, you always know just what to say. You can imagine my heartbreak when I heard last week that they’re taking an ‘indefinite break.’ Excuse me while I curl up in the corner and live in denial…indefinitely.

But I digress.

Becky fact #78: I am a worrier by nature. I turn even small fears over & over again in my mind until eventually I’m consumed and exhausted by the anxiety that only I create. My worries like to show up like blundering, chatty uninvited guests right before I fall asleep most every night. Despite my greatest efforts to kick them out, they tend to make themselves comfortable and stay awhile, talking all at once in run-on sentences. They come and go during the day, but always find a way back to me eventually.

I’m constantly in a battle of knowing that Jesus says not to worry, but doing it anyway. It’s one of those things that I don’t think about seriously – but worry is wrong. Jesus says NOT to worry, that He is with us and provides what we need. But I still do it, without thinking twice about the fact that it’s wrong. Will I ever be able to fully trust Him, know that He says not to worry and actually not worry?

I’m not going to lie, this hasn’t been the easiest of semesters for me. With only a few months standing between me and when I’m supposed to leave for my internship overseas, my worries have been constantly hanging around me, recklessly following me. Not having a placement yet has been scary & frustrating. Not being able to plan & prepare has been equally as frustrating. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

Frustrating? Yes. But good? Also yes.

A running theme of trusting God has been a big part of my life for at least a year now. When He brought the word trust before me at the start of last year, I didn’t know entirely what it meant or looked like to trust God. But I’m seeing more and more how He is helping me grow in the waiting. I’m in a place of dependence and reliance on God. And I’m thankful for that lesson that I’m still learning. So, frustrating? Absolutely. But also wonderful & humbling.

Every little step is a reason to be glad. This weekend, as I fill out application forms, I will rejoice in each small part that brings me closer. Little by little, God is revealing to me that He is with me and that He provides in His perfect timing.

And so, it’s time for my worries to hang up the party hats and go home. Remind me to lock the door on their way out.

Becky G.